For an entire week, I thought, prayed, cried sometimes, and just couldn’t bring myself to write anything down. As to the reasons? There must be some, but at this moment I think they are too numerous to mention. So, to sum them all up, I will say that I have had a hard week. Whoever said that because it is Lent, things will flow smoothly?
To sit in the unknown is like jumping off a boat in the middle of no where unable to swim for the life of you. One thing that stands is “HOPE.” The hope that someone will see you, hear your fading voice, and find you. Your hope is that someone will pick you up. The unknown happens for all of us at different points in our lives. Today, I need a voice so badly, I need an arrow, a road map, an answer, I need direction. Interestingly, today’s http://www.bustedhalo.com’s prompt is for me to “pray for discernment.” Well, I thought that was what I was praying for all along? It seems like I should be praying some more?
As a new graduate with a few months to “SEEK,” I have found many a hard day. The woman in me is seeking direct answers. She wants to know where to go, when to go, what to do, where to do it / them, and if she is supposed to do whatever, then she also needs the tools. So, is that what a JOURNEY all about? Maybe I need to explore a bit more what this whole word JOURNEY really means? It certainly sounds like a task, a hard road.
When I think of JOURNEY, I envision this elder man in Cotten Hill (where I grew up), passing with his traditional heavy sak (kohtah) on his back, going up to his garden in the morning, and then later in the evening with it well packed with produce from his day. I envision him bent underneath its pressing load. Still he held on to his cutlass (matchette), and returned the next day, braving the big hills up and down. Mr. Arthur did for years upon years.
There must have been pain involved, you know — sweat, big wet beads of sweat, some tears may have mingled in it when he pondered on his needs, worries, concerns, and maybe just on God’s awesome beauty up in the hills which might have overwhelmed him. Still he worked hard, he pressed on, even in his old age. Then I think about the many rainy and windy days that Mr. Arthur endured up there in Bock. Though he might have had a cool shed there, he must have had to make his way through many a huge muddy patches, maybe he crossed many rapidly flowing dirty ravines and rivers during his frequent trips on stormy days — still he returned to his farm the next day. And oh, no telling, with Kohtah / sak on back, Mr. Arthur must have fallen several times; still he got up, brushed off what remains of his fall that he could and continued on his way. Just thinking about this now I wonder, jee what was this man made of?
Could this contain the elements, and or characteristics of a journey? If so, well I am convinced this journey thing is no joke, still it could be possible. So what does it all mean to Journey into the Unknown? Could it be something like this? Or is the journey, nice and rosey, with lots of smiles, happy cheer even with a heavy heart? Is the journey one filled with many “fans” hugging, kissing and reminding me that I am doing well? Is the journey one where I never cry, never long to be held, hugged, told and reassured that I am loved? What is this journey? Is it one where I know exactly what I am going to do within the next few months, with clear signs, exact “change” and can put my feet up and snooze because it is all taken care of? WHAT IS IT?
This online dictionary suggests that JOURNEY is: “… travelling from one place to another, usually taking a long time. A trip.” But, I prefer the following definition: A Journey is a “passage or progress from one stage to another.” That is where I am, and God does it hurt. It leaves me in limbo, as if that is how it feels. It makes me wonder why at this point I am still unsure of where to turn, what to do, where to go and what is out there for me? And oh, the job market that I search is totally daunting, but I am guessing it is all part of the journey and the discerning. God knows what is “NEXT” for the traveller, what is in store of the seeker, and what is in progress for the wanderer. He knows. Ofcourse that is my blind faith speaking. That is all I have to hold on to. FAITH — it will work!
Essentially, all I can do is what His words ask me to: Ask, Seek, Knock as best I can, and can I be honest? I feel like He is telling me I am not asking enough, or maybe I am not asking properly? That too is frustrating. Still I will keep asking, because that is what I can do.
To the omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent I offer my ignorance, blindness, needs and desires. HE KNOWS and has conquered the JOURNEY before!
Do you feel like this sometimes? Tell me how you cope, please because I could do with some motivation today.