Yesterday, I lost it!

Yesterday, I lost my balance!

I fell to the rage and inner confusion which engulfed me, I lost my cool, and my sanity was challenged yet again. Wasn’t it me who wrote just recently about keeping balance? Am I not the one who wrote about maintaining ones equilibrium? Well, Yesterday, I lost my balance. I did.

It reminded me of how weak and frail we can get when we lose ourselves, when our prayer lives drop down from where they used to be. Yesterday’s blunder was filled with emotional pressure, one I could not stand to contain any longer, and I vented. I burst like Layou River when it erodes every bank in its way. I lost my cool; I lost my calm, and relinquished my inner peace and composure. I busted.

Yes, I the writer, the artist, the esteemed woman, the Christian, the soldier, and the strong girl went astray, from herself to satisfy the thirst for a revolution. The writer lost her pen, the artist lost her inspiration, the esteemed woman forgot her value, and the soldier left her armor at home and ventured out like a farmer without his / her cutlass. Aha, the Christian was a hypocrite yesterday, a real silly hypocrite, and the strong girl was like a wet leaf, – not that of a dasheen type, but one with no resistance to the fall of the rain, the strength of the wind, and the scorch of the sun. I lost my Balance Yesterday – like a raging lion my inner balance shattered, I was fuming with anger. Oh the devil had a good laugh at my expense I suspect.

Today is a new day, and I am happy to be alive, to reflect, to laugh at myself, to knock my head a bit, and to remind myself how weak I am sometimes. Then, I am happy to be alive to remind myself that I have a conscience, and to celebrate the fact that it is alive and well, that I have not lost it, and that I can still exercise some restraint. Today, I am happy to be able to try to be content with myself for not exploding further. I am glad I get to remind myself of what I wrote in my book, What’s on Your Mind? The Diary of an Esteemed Woman. Page 83 says: “As I seek to maintain my life’s balance, I reckon that this (balance) is no easy task, but something we must constantly work to achieve and maintain.” I can assure you that it is comforting to remember this fact. Indeed this is a perfect self reminder.

So, I say, better grace next time. Efforts to make better choices, stick to my inner plan, and go back to the basics of my life are on stream. These efforts I will employ with deeper resolve. I will remind myself to Pray, pray, pray. God help me! There is hope for me, because I am still alive.

21 thoughts on “Yesterday, I lost it!

  1. I am glad that not only we have the WORD to fall back one but also the words, page 83 from your book. It is a good feeling.
    Keep pushing, praying and keep your balance.
    I smile at the latter where you said “God help me!” I knoww you mean it but you sounded like you really need help lol..It’s all good..we all do need HIS help.

    Thanks for sharing. It is always a blessing and serves as a reminder and strength to me.

    1. Kartelle,
      You are a constant, and I always appreciate your encouragements.
      I can hear you laughing at me when you describe my expression of
      “God help me.” Indeed it is an honest cry. 🙂
      Keep reading. Bless

  2. Today I had to work so hard to keep mine. Sometimes the strong woman in me just needs to be weak. It gets so overwhelming to be sane all day, everyday. I just need to lose it sometimes. I love how you write. My interest wad held from beginning to end. Great work!

    1. Sandie, Welcome to the blog and keep reading.
      Sometimes I am my biggest critic and I think that is why I have been so hard on myself.
      Still I realize that I can let it go, and move on.
      Sometimes when I write it is meant to be dialectical. 🙂
      Thank you for your honest comment.

  3. I keep coming back and read this. I think I should print it out so that everytime I loose my balance I can find it again

    1. Willie,
      Feel free to return anytime dear, and if you need to print it go right ahead to.
      We all need motivation in life. I am happy I can be a source of positivism for you.
      Keep faith dear.

  4. Ceez, I can certainly relate as I have lost my cool, hence my balance many a times. After pondering on the event that proceeded my actions, I have often felt a great deal of disappointment in myself for not taking charge of the situation, for losing my cool and for letting someone or something to get the better of me. I am then quickly reminded that despite all my training and knowledge that the old adage “when u know better, u do better” can become overshadowed by my humanity.
    Our humanity let’s us tap into our emotions. The emotional responses that we may have at times may later lead us to regret or question our actions, but only because a deep foundation was set within us. Our flesh is always at war with our spirit and it is clear which one often times win. This however is just a reminder that we are humans. So u lost your balance for a moment, the important thing is to rise up from the fall, dust yourself off and keep going. We live, we learn, don’t beat yourself up. No one but the Almighty is all mighty.


    1. Hedz,
      You are beginning to get a good insight into my psyche 🙂
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I certainly concur that we are in a spiritual
      battle where our humanity is in constant conflict with our divinity which we struggle to
      hard to maintain. Your thought that Him alone All-Mighty is factual.
      Certainly it is that we seek. Sometimes though, we just hate that people can actually see
      that weakness in us. Still, may it remind them that we are likely to falter, so they too
      should help us to stand, rather than the opposite.

      Stay blessed my friend.

  5. It appears that you are upset at loosing your cool, but loosing your cool is balance in itself. While no one is perfect, You are liable to regress. Most importantly you have recognised that you are human and pull your head together to shake off, ‘dust your shoulders off’ whatever caused the imbalance. Such instances are needed causing remembrance of our inner spirituality – staying connected.

  6. Ceez,

    I have experience such anger and when I went to my spiritual director about it, in my case he told me it was ok to be angry. There are two kinds of anger, “Just Anger” and just “Anger”. Just anger is when you are justified in the anger you feel, you have been wronged and you experience a type of anger that vilifies what’s been done to you. Just anger is an ok feeling to have as long as you don’t let it get control of you. A month ago when I lost my job (which I have since regained), I got ANGRY, and I lost it. I fumed for 3 days, cursing everything I could find. I haven’t felt that possessive anger or lost it for years to that degree. That was bad anger. Just remember, don’t beat yourself up and know the difference between the two. Ask God to forgive you, go to confession at your earliest time and then move on. Don’t dwell on this and don’t let the enemy have any power over you in regards to it.

    I’m glad your on the way up again. God is calling you to a closer walk, remember that.

    God Bless!


    1. Michael,
      You are always so real, open and profound.
      Thank you.
      Hey, write that book, you have a lot to share.
      I think I need a confession man, it’s overdue.
      Thank you for the reminder and encouragement.

  7. Again another great piece! Loving the honesty, reality of everyday living aspiring to remain true to oneself and the way you wear your human color so well. With much appreciation, Thank You Ceez Paul for sharing.

    1. G, thank you for reading the post, and for leaving your warm comments as well.
      I try my best with the human color :).
      Stay blessed dear.

  8. My dear, indeed, it is a good thing to lose your balance….not too extreme where you can’t return, but this is what makes us feel that we are alive. Rejoice! because that is what you will need to help the scale return to its true balance. Remember you said it is no easy task but constant work to achieve and maintain….Keep seeking and praying!

    1. Thank you very much Aunty Mavis.
      This is certainly welcome from you. The important
      thing is the realization which is necessary for the change and growth.
      Stay blessed yourself.

  9. You are beautifully human, Ceez! The lessons come to make you strong. To err is to human…but then again, losing ground momentarily isn’t altogether a bad thing. We can learn a lot about how we handle, or are to, handle adversity, conflict, or hurt feelings. No one expects you to be infallible, or immune to the symphony of life, which can sometimes sound anything but harmonious. Enjoy the melody…and bring the accompaniment of your own voice, wisdom gained, and an appetite for further self-actualization.

    1. And like a true writer, you have itched my intellect.
      Thank you SomerEmpress :).
      Somehow I am still waiting for the person who will read more into this post,
      and see the exact mindset with which I wrote this post. 🙂
      Still as a writer, I beam at the interpretations
      of my writing by its readers. You all motivate me to keep writing. And I really appreciate each of you.
      Thank you everyone. 🙂

  10. My dear ceez,this is a little morning poem that is stuck to my drawer in front my bed.It was given to me by an elder in church and was so real. DEAR LORD, SO FAR TODAY,LORD I HAVE DONE ALRIGHT,HAVEN’T GOSSIPED,HAVEN’T LOST MY TEMPER,HAVEN’T BEEN GREEDY,GRUMPY,NASTY,SELFISH,OR OVER INDULGENT. I’M VERY THANKFUL FOR THAT.BUT IN A FEW MINUTES,LORD,I’M GOING TO GET OUT OF BED. AND FROM THEN ON,I’M GOING TO NEED ALOT MORE HELP. AMEN. If we were all perfect i don’t think god would bother let jesus his only son die on the cross.Don’t you think that is a big price to pay for nothing ? Thank god for jesus. We need to always remember that being a christian does not make you a door mat,death,dumb and still blind.Doesn’t the bible say : provoke one another not to anger? Jesus knows our every weakness and is right there to catch you when we fall. Kids and music soothes my disposition and i know,reading,writting and music fills yours. luv you girl.

    1. Zet, thank you for sharing that with me.
      I really don’t think we are perfect fear not,
      but I strive toward it heart and soul for that is what Heaven deserves.
      Still, I take the point that indeed, we must stand up for ourselves too,
      and neither should we be provoked.
      Let us just say, when I write like this, it is a cleaning
      vessel within itself for me.
      Keep faith.

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