I fell to the rage and inner confusion which engulfed me, I lost my cool, and my sanity was challenged yet again. Wasn’t it me who wrote just recently about keeping balance? Am I not the one who wrote about maintaining ones equilibrium? Well, Yesterday, I lost my balance. I did.
It reminded me of how weak and frail we can get when we lose ourselves, when our prayer lives drop down from where they used to be. Yesterday’s blunder was filled with emotional pressure, one I could not stand to contain any longer, and I vented. I burst like Layou River when it erodes every bank in its way. I lost my cool; I lost my calm, and relinquished my inner peace and composure. I busted.
Yes, I the writer, the artist, the esteemed woman, the Christian, the soldier, and the strong girl went astray, from herself to satisfy the thirst for a revolution. The writer lost her pen, the artist lost her inspiration, the esteemed woman forgot her value, and the soldier left her armor at home and ventured out like a farmer without his / her cutlass. Aha, the Christian was a hypocrite yesterday, a real silly hypocrite, and the strong girl was like a wet leaf, – not that of a dasheen type, but one with no resistance to the fall of the rain, the strength of the wind, and the scorch of the sun. I lost my Balance Yesterday – like a raging lion my inner balance shattered, I was fuming with anger. Oh the devil had a good laugh at my expense I suspect.
Today is a new day, and I am happy to be alive, to reflect, to laugh at myself, to knock my head a bit, and to remind myself how weak I am sometimes. Then, I am happy to be alive to remind myself that I have a conscience, and to celebrate the fact that it is alive and well, that I have not lost it, and that I can still exercise some restraint. Today, I am happy to be able to try to be content with myself for not exploding further. I am glad I get to remind myself of what I wrote in my book, What’s on Your Mind? The Diary of an Esteemed Woman. Page 83 says: “As I seek to maintain my life’s balance, I reckon that this (balance) is no easy task, but something we must constantly work to achieve and maintain.” I can assure you that it is comforting to remember this fact. Indeed this is a perfect self reminder.
So, I say, better grace next time. Efforts to make better choices, stick to my inner plan, and go back to the basics of my life are on stream. These efforts I will employ with deeper resolve. I will remind myself to Pray, pray, pray. God help me! There is hope for me, because I am still alive.